“More Contentious than Griz vs Bobcats -but with Zero Principles.”

Satire By Bill Lussenheide

In what may be the most grotesque political spectacle west of the Dakotas (and that’s saying something), Montana now hosts its first-ever Montana Miscreant Olympics, a rancid little competition pitting two Republican-in-Name-Only factions against each other in a no-holds-barred contest to determine which group is the most grotesquely disloyal to Republican principles.

On one side, we have The Dirty Dozen — 12 rogue State House Republicans who seem to have confused “limited government” with “limitless backroom deals.” Their spiritual leader? None other than Llew Jones, the man who’s never met a Democrat appropriation he couldn’t hug. Jones runs the Dozen like a rancher runs a herd of half-blind cattle — loud, chaotic, and heading straight for the taxpayer trough.

On the other side? Enter The Nasty Nine — a gang of disgraced Republican State Senators who decided long ago that voting with Democrats wasn’t treason, rather, it was righteous. Managed by the ever-censured, always-smirking Senator Jason Ellsworth, the Nasty Nine claim to be “the adults in the room,” which is rich coming from people who legislate like they just discovered power and still haven’t read the instructions.

Opening Ceremonies: The Finger-Pointing Parade

Both teams marched into the opening ceremony to a soundtrack of backstabbing quotes and self-righteous press releases. The Dirty Dozen carried signs reading “WE SOLD OUT FIRST!” while the Nasty Nine countered with “BUT WE SOLD OUT HARDER!” Spectators booed, cheered, and then immediately filed ethics complaints.

The Games Begin…

1. Rotten Egg Toss

A game of precision and poor hygiene. The Dirty Dozen accused the Nasty Nine of hard-boiling their eggs for unfair advantage. The Nasty Nine responded by lobbing an egg at a Montana Sentinel reporter who asked about their voting record. It was the first honest aim they’ve had in years.

2. Cow Pie Shot Put

Contestants competed to see who could fling a symbolic representation of their voting record the farthest. Llew Jones attempted to explain why subsidizing goat yoga was a conservative principle mid-throw. Jason Ellsworth challenged the score, filing a complaint through his lawyer, Joan Mell, claiming the Dozen used “non-organic” pies.

3. Pig Wrestling

Ironically, the pigs were cleaner than the politicians. The Nasty Nine tried to grease the pigs with leftover lobbyist swag. The Dirty Dozen demanded the pigs be replaced with political consultants. All pigs escaped unharmed. None of the Republicans did.

4. Backroom Bill Negotiation Speedrun

Each team had to pass a budget bill that spends $2 billion without reading it. The Dirty Dozen finished in record time — 4 minutes, including a break for catered sandwiches. The Nasty Nine added a clause funding “climate-aware bingo halls,” and accidentally gave themselves a raise.

5. Flip-Flop Sprint

Runners had to change their positions mid-race while maintaining smug expressions. Several Nasty Nine members collapsed under the weight of their own contradictions. The Dozen tried to switch parties halfway down the track. Confusion reigned.

6. Lobbyist PAC “Lap Dance” Musical Chairs

An ethically dubious but extremely popular event. Only rule: whoever isn’t sitting when the music stops has to file a conflict of interest disclosure. Nobody sat. Nobody disclosed. Everyone lost.

The Final Showdown: “Traitor’s Talent Show”

The Nasty Nine performed a stirring interpretive dance titled “Bipartisan Betrayal: A Ballet.” Meanwhile, the Dirty Dozen staged a dramatic reenactment of conservative values being loaded into a hearse and driven off a fiscal cliff.

Judges declared it a tie. Everyone booed. The boos were bipartisan.

The Grand Prize: One-Way Bus Tickets to California

Awarded in a solemn ceremony led by a crying Ronald Reagan impersonator, each contestant was handed a laminated, non-refundable one-way bus ticket to California — the promised land of ideological confusion and unfettered bureaucracy. Reactions were mixed:

Llew Jones asked if the bus stopped at Sacramento’s Office of Budget Expansion.

Jason Ellsworth tried to trade his ticket for a state-funded monorail study, headed by a close friend and former business associate.

All the contestants demanded per diem for the trip.

Closing Thoughts

In the end, no one won, except the progressive Democrats who gleefully watched the entire affair with popcorn and press releases in hand. The real losers? Montana conservatives, who were last seen staring blankly into the sunset, wondering how a Red State turned into a traveling political circus, complete with dung-slinging clowns and no exit plan.

Final Score:

Republican Values: 0

Shameless Self-Interest: 666

Integrity: Declared Missing Since 2018

Let the games never return.